Using the 5 senses to Calm the Storm
I'm home with three kids. 24/7. Most of us are home because of a little thing called COVID. I like seeing my kids daily. We have those amazing family days where we get out puzzles, bake, and play games. We also have those days where my daughter is being sassy, my middle son can't seem to find his inside voice, my youngest son is whining, and I keep looking at the clock waiting for it to be 5 pm so I can have a glass of much need wine. Sound familiar? How do you calm the storm?
" I needed new tools and language because what I was doing wasn't working. So I went looking for someone who did have the tools and language to help me."
I started on this journey in 2018 when my 8-year-old daughter (she is now almost 11) started yelling uncontrollably. She would get frustrated and yell or hit us or her brothers. She put a dent in her wall with her heel. She cut her bedroom window screen with scissors. She pretended to run away daily. I was exhausted! We had just moved two miles north to a new house, new neighborhood, and new school. We all loved our new living space, but obviously, my daughter was struggling with new feelings that she could not control. We found a therapist (Dr. GoodyJ) and over time we managed to enjoy our family time once again. The most effective tool I learned from my year working with Dr. Goody was using the five senses to calm the big emotions.
I had to embrace that it wasn't about my daughter acting difficult; she wasn't trying to ruin my life. It comes down to a crazy thing called science. Our brain gets overloaded with emotions and we need strategies to release the overload so that we can return to a calm state. Once I started viewing this as a teaching moment and less about a power struggle, I was able to help my daughter. She wasn't doing this to me – this was something she was going through, and it made her sad. I hope this list is as helpful to you as it was for me.
1. Smell
Get them to smell something they enjoy! Go on a walk and collect their favorite scented flowers and leaves. Find a candle that smells amazing. Have your child pick one or two as their special smells to keep in their safe space or calm down box. I will get to that later. My daughter has a vanilla candle and lemon essential oil in her box.
2. Taste
A glass of milk, sucking on a skittle until the color is gone, chewing gum....these all release the big emotions and can get your child to focus on a new task which brings their brain back to a logical and calm state. My daughter likes chocolate chips. I would give her 4 chocolate chips and she would wait until each one melted away in her mouth.
3. Touch
This can be cuddling with a parent, a stuffy, or a pet. Stress balls, fidget spinners/cubes, or my favorite: monkey noodles. Kids love slime and playdough. I hate it, but it’s not about me, it’s about them – and they keep it at their desks. My kids also love to cuddle with our dog while reading a book to destress.
4. See
Reading a book is an excellent way to refocus the brain from the big emotions to escaping into a lovely story. Have a set of watercolors ready to go. Getting your brain to redirect and focus on something else helps your child learn to cope with their big feelings.
5. Hear
Music can calm the soul. Having a pair of headphones and their favorite music on hand ready to go can help with resetting the brain. Audiobooks. Some kids need total silence. Having noise-canceling headphones and a book or sketch pad in their safe space can be helpful.
Safe Space and Calm Down box
Is there a space in their room they can retreat to? A guest room? It should feel like a break, not a punishment. My kids use their room – sometimes it’s their bed, sometimes it’s their desk. I make sure they have their supplies available and reachable. They have a set of books, music, headphones, and their calm down box to help reset. I usually give my daughter a glass of milk, a small snack, and call our dog to sit with her at her desk or on her bed.
If you ask your child, “Does it make you sad when you feel out of control?” Or “Do you wish you didn’t have these big waves of emotions taking over?” You will find that kids, just like us, don’t like being out of control. They need help from us to show them the path to the shore of calmness. Finding the tools/items are best done when you and your child are calm. No one wants to choose their favorite scented candle when they are in the middle of a rage. Not gonna happen! Setting up a safe space can be a bonding experience for you and your child.
How do I get started?
Start simple! Have 5 things, one from each sense, and see how it goes! You can tweak the box as your child begins to learn what works and what doesn't. The important thing is to let your child know this is new and it will change as you and your child figure out what works for your family. You got this!
